I captured the castle

“When I started blogging,” I said to my sister one night, a couple of weeks ago, “I had dreams of becoming just like all the bloggers I looked up to, and you know what? Looking back, I realize I did it.”

I blogged for three years—weekly, unless I was on a brief hiatus—until 12th grade drowned me in projects, essays, and career planning. I assumed that I experienced blogging burn out because my energy and focus was being spent on other things, but it’s been three months since I finished school, and I still don’t feel the urge to go back.

When I started my blog in June 2017, I did something I’d seen others do before me—I set some goals to define my purpose and reason for blogging. I wrote my first post about what I hoped to achieve through this long term, indefinite hobby and project (I assumed I’d do it forever, bless my 15 years old self’s idealistic heart). In truth, I didn’t care about the end results nearly as much as one might suppose—I just wanted to blog. The goals were merely there to make it look like I had an actual target to aim at, and not like I just wanted to copy cool people—which is, of course, exactly what I was doing.

My goals for the blog were for it to be a place where I could—

share my writing,
receive criticism or compliments or feedback,
share my thoughts about writing and books,
fangirl about and review books,
find beta readers,
develop a "platform", and
make new friends!

In other words, I saw other people doing cool stuff like writing books, using beta readers, writing reviews, and making internet friends and I wanted to be cool like them.

(In case you thought I was a cool person, let me assure you, I’m only good at copying cool people.)

(Just kidding.)

(I hope.)

I didn’t monitor these goals throughout my three years on the blogosphere—I just did my thing in the best way that I knew. But looking back now, I am amazed to realize that everything I set out to accomplish, has been accomplished.

I wanted to write like the other bloggers—books, stories, reviews, fangirl posts, and the whole bundle of subjects that bloggers cover. It didn’t happen exactly as I’d planned it. I’m sure that idealistically, I wanted to post well planned, well written, well polished fictional stories, but I only managed to do that a few times. I wasn’t in that place yet. Nevertheless, none of my work went to waste and I greatly respect that my younger self posted every week for at least two years. The writing I shared might not have been that formal polished writing, but all writing is writing, and I shared about topics that meant a lot to me.

I forged a writing habit. I shared my thoughts. People read. People commented. Their words encouraged me a lot. I don’t think I realized it at the time as much as I do now, but I miss that. I miss putting something out, having people comment on it, and say they agree or they loved it. And that ties in to the next goal—I wanted others’ feedback. I can’t say actually got any constructive criticism on the blog (that happened with beta readers), but I got their comments and compliments and opinions, and that was an accomplishment, because building an audience does take work, even when you do it naturally and organically (that is, not by commenting on blogs and saying, “please follow me”.). It takes dedication to read posts every day and to constantly leave nice comments to get people’s attention and to bring them to your blog. Followers don’t find you automatically (unless they are spam followers—looking at you, Bloglovin’).

Whatever writing aspirations that I had as a 15-year-old, the one that drove me forward was wanting to write like the bloggers. I succeeded, even if that had its downsides. My sister says I adopted their style and voice so effectively that I didn’t have my own. I’m not too regretful—I couldn’t have done it any other way. It can be hard to find a voice. Sometimes we have to start by imitating, and later cut off that influence and let our own originality grow. Writing like the other bloggers forced me to churn out content and words week after week after week—not easy to begin with, and useful in two ways. First, it cultivated that opinion part of my mind, and second, it improved my ability to express that opinion to others. Besides that, I mostly wrote about a select few subjects, and of course, that exercise cultivated both my knowledge of and my viewpoint on these topics. My style was never particularly sophisticated or brilliant and neither did it even adhere to the rules of grammar—it was that stream-of-the-conscious, almost texting-style that bloggers like. But the art and practice of putting words on paper (or the text document) is never vain to the writer.

My blog did turn into a fun place for me to share my thoughts and fangirl reviews on all manner of book-related topics. My blogging experience was very influential in forging the fangirl into my identity. I realize now that as much as what you do is an outgrowth of who you are, what you choose to do will also grow into you. I loved books, words, and stories and so I started a blog and plugged myself into a community who was enthusiastic about the same thing—and in return, my passion for these things grew tenfold. The blogging experience not only gave me an outlet to share my love for different things, but it grew that love and it grew my mind and taught me endless things about literary/writer culture. And, of course, I learned to write book reviews. They are perhaps my greatest work to date because unlike how I feel about reading my old writing in general (“Ew, who wrote this?”), I adore my own reviews (“Wow, I was a genius and I want to read this book again!”).

Lastly, I wanted to build a community, make friends, create a platform. Did I build a platform? Maybe. I’m not sure I’d call it that. But I did build a community and a network and a connection to many different people, and it proved incredibly useful later. I may not be close to all of them, but I will always seek to maintain a mutual acquaintanceship with others, because connections really are everything. And of course, I made friends. The community accepted me with open arms, although, of course, it took more work to get some people to notice me than others (I’m thinking about a specific person here). It wasn’t something I was necessarily conscious of doing—building a network, that is—I was just doing what bloggers do. Interact and support. So now after three years, I can say this. I am home. I’m in my zone. I have visited many different corners of this blogosphere, and I am known and recognized. I no longer have any imposter syndrome when calling myself one of you.

Something I didn’t mention in my goals, because I didn’t realize it was a goal until later, was that I wanted my blog to look as cool as others’. This is something I’m actually really proud of! As much time as writing and friendship-building took, blog design took even more. I sacrificed precious hours that I should have used on a lot of other things to get it just right. In no other area of life have I ever experienced such a drive towards perfectionism and an unquenchable thirst to work on it, no matter what, until it is done exactly how I want it. I always treated design as a piece of art that had to look just so. To this day I think back in lowkey amazement at the time that 16 year old me spent slogging through html, changing elements of the theme that could only be changed with code. I knew nothing about html. I still know nothing about it. My process of learning to fix it was google > try > fail > google > try > fail > google > try > fail > google > try > fail > google > try > succeed > repeat.

Blogging taught me discipline. It taught me dedication. It taught me hard work. It taught me perseverance. It taught me people-skills. It taught me self expression. It taught me self discovery. It taught me confidence. It taught me about who I am and what I love and what I am capable of.

And I want to say thank you, because after all, it was you who brought me this far. Thank you for being yourself in such a cool way that made me want to be a little bit like you. Thank you for taking me in and raising me. Thank you for teaching me so many things about internet life, the creative community, and about myself. Thank you for reading, thank you for staying, thank you for all your endless support. I wouldn't have come this far without you. Like, seriously. I’d have stopped blogging long ago if it wasn’t for all of you.

So now I look ahead and up at other people, and think about being like them. And I ask myself, can I do it? Do I have it in me? And whenever I do, I look back at my 15 year old self and how she did it once before, and I hear her whisper to me, yes, you can.

The purpose of this post is to bring a sense of closure to my three year blogging journey. I thought it would be quite nice to revisit that first post and see if I have done what I meant to. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop blogging, stop writing, or stop chasing my goals. But I realized that my lack of motivation probably stems from having no castles in the sky to chase anymore, because I captured my castle. After this fitting end of my blogging journey pt. 1, perhaps I will be ready to chase after the next one. Not sure what it will be, but I’m sure you will all be hearing about it eventually.

I love you all. Please stay with me for whatever comes next!

Sailing on to new seas, lisa xx

15 comments:

Brooke RileyJune 24, 2021 at 10:34 AM
oh Lisa. What a beautiful post and a beautiful closing to such an amazing era. I remember meeting you and you telling me I was cool and inspiring. Still shook by such words coming from someone who I think has become one of the masters of blogging. I'm glad you were in the era of blogging when I was. Although I'm not blogging anymore myself, I've been trying to read blogs from others and while it will be sad to never see another post pop up from you, I know you're onto big things and I'm excited for whatever comes next for you. I hope whatever it is, it feels like home.
🖤
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Emily GrantJune 24, 2021 at 12:26 PM
I love this so much!! I feel the struggles of trying to find your blogging voice, and wanting to fit into a community you so desperately want to be in. But you learn SO much, like you said, and it's been such an incredible journey. I'm so thankful for this community and for blogging, and I can't wait to see where you go from here!
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Danielle JagoJune 25, 2021 at 1:32 AM
So awesome Lisa!!
Was seriously nostalgic to come back to this blog.
My favourite part>>>> "I adore my own reviews (“Wow, I was a genius and I want to read this book again!”)." xD So relatable. (*cue immediate hesitation as I realize that I sound vain.**decides to leave that there because it's basically trueeeee.*)(Am I conceited? (Probably.) I hope not.)
It can't just be me who goes back through my own writing and thinks "this girl sounds so fun! I could totally have an awesome time hanging out with her!" xD
Love you girlie xx
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Grace MarieJune 25, 2021 at 7:58 AM
Blogging with you and so many other bloggers was one of my greatest adventures. <3 <3
You've did captured the castle, and I believe you can do it again and tame whatever dragons guard the way.
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Emily MundellJune 25, 2021 at 12:01 PM
This is a great post to end an era! I'm so glad you jumped into the blogosphere so that we could meet and be online friends! I have so enjoyed seeing you and your blog transform, and having you in my corner for book releases too. Your story of reading TSatS is something I truly cherish. I will miss your voice around here should you decide to completely move on but you have definitely made an impact!
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KendraJune 25, 2021 at 2:34 PM
Wow, I can relate 100% to this post. I too have graduated this year after going months without blogging, and... I'm not feeling the need to do so? I mean... I want to but I don't? It's a strange thing. So glad to know someone else feels the same way.
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Skye HoffertJune 25, 2021 at 7:54 PM
Your blog is gorgeous! And loved reading about your journey. So glad you met your goals and captured your castle, I'm still chasing mine and I found this super inspiring!
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